Chocoholic Writes a Story
by Crick118
Summary: I've done the impossible, I've fallen in love with my worst enemy. So what do I do? Set him up with my best friend of course! one-sided NaruIno
1. Chocoholic has a Dream

What happens when you mix mass amounts of chocolate, 1,000,000 really corny jokes, 4 Bowling for Soup CDs, a super-awesome life-inspired plotline, and the characters of Naruto? Another really stupid story from Crick118! Woot!

Pairings (in order of importance): Naru/Ino, Sasu/Hina, Lee/Gaa, Shika/Ten

Warnings (once again, in order of importance): NO LEMONS!!! Many slash pairings, 1 minor yaoi sub-plot, mild Sakura-bashing, intense chocolate obsessions, multiple references to Bowling for Soup, Counting Crows, and any other band I feel like adding (mostly BFS though). Not your bar of chocolate? Well, I'm sure there are many different authors who have the flavor you'd like.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto; but I am Mafia.

Chocoholic Has a Dream 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream," the cafeteria groaned in unison, "A dream that one day, all chocolate will be created equal! That all of the world's chocoholics will be able to join together and instead of bicker over what type of chocolate is the best, and agree that all chocolate is good! Isn't that what we all want, after all? To be able to accept and yes, even maybe enjoy other people's preferences towards chocolate?"

There was silence (ignoring the cough, freak, cough in the back); I had their attention. Now it was time to go in for the kill.

"And that's why I ask you right now, at 12:30 in the afternoon on the 15th of February in the year two-thousand and five, to sign this petition so that the school doesn't get rid of _our_ brownies. After all, don't we all deserve a little chocolate?"

"If we sign your petition, will you promise to shut up?" an anonymous male voice asked (sigh, yes the same one who had the bad cough).

"Yup!" Ah ha! Victory! I knew that if I told everybody that speech enough they'd cave! To think, it only took 17 times! I thought for sure it'd take 34.

"See guys? I told you the student body loved me!" I told my friends while skipping back to our table.

"Ino, they only signed your stupid petition so they wouldn't have to hear your annoying voice!" Naruto answered, clearly annoyed that I'd interrupted his 'wonderful' conversation with Sakura, wonderful meaning another pathetic attempt at wooing my best friend.

Here, let me re-enact what Naruto considers a 'wonderful' conversation:

**Naruto:** Hey Sakura!

**Sakura:** (flips hair in sexy manner) Oh, hi Naruto.

**Naruto:** You look pretty…(drools)

**Sakura:** Shove off, dumb ass.

**Naruto:** (ignoring previous statement) Sooo, I was kind of wondering if you wanted to do something after school today?

**Sakura:** (snorts) Given the choice between going on a date with you and making love to an iguana, I'd choose the iguana.

**Naruto:** So is that a yes?

(Poor guy, it's not his fault he's such an idiot!)

"Oh, why are all such spoil-sports?" I asked, flopping down onto an empty chair.

"Because you do this for every single obsession you've had, have, and may have in the near future!" Naruto answered for everyone.

"It's true Ino," Sakura chimed in.

"Oh yeah, give me one example!" I challenged.

"Well, for starters, this time,"

"Doesn't count."

"And we mustn't forget the time you petitioned for us to watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights (if you haven't watched this movie your life is a shame) in History because it took place in the middle ages." Naruto added.

"Hey, that was totally justified!"

"Or how about when you wanted to play Bowling for Soup songs over the intercom in-between classes because 'it'd cheer people up!'" Shikamaru started in; oh they were on a roll now!

"Well it would!"

"Ooh, remember the time she claimed she was blind in order to bring her new puppy in for show and tell?"

"That was in 2nd grade!"

"And how about the time she-"

"Okay, I get it already! Moving on."

"Aww, but we didn't even get to Kenshin being standard reading material for all 8th graders!" Shikamaru laughed.

"And the Harry Potter Role Play dance-" Naruto started.

"Where they'd only play the Hogwarts Theme Song all night long!" Everyone answered simultaneously. Naruto, Sakura, Lee, Chouji, Tenten, Shikamaru, and even Hinata burst out laughing at this point. Man, I needed to find better friends.

#-#-#-#-#

I loved my friends. Everyone was always happy and smiling. We fought occasionally, but it was never really serious, we were always just joking and messing around. This was the social reject table; we all were too crazy for any other click to allow into their group.

Well, not all of us. I guess I'm the one exception. Sure, I'd listen in on the conversations, but they never truly interested me. Heck, I was always too shy to fit in 2 words per lunch period. I can't help it though; it's just the way I am.

Besides, if I was quiet, no one ever noticed how much more I used to blush at Naruto as opposed to now. No one really noticed when my gaze would accidentally wander to someone else, someone I liked, someone who liked me back, but couldn't be public about it for many reasons; mainly just because that's the way he was, but there were other reasons too.

We were dating;

But one thing was for sure;

If Sakura ever finds out;

She'll be _pissed._

#-#-#-#-#

Yes, I realize Ino is very Ooc, but this story really isn't about her, it's about a friend of mine who is (believe it or not) this crazy. And yes, soupcan, this _does_ have a plot, I'll get into that next chapter.

Review, because no author is perfect; especially me!

-Crick


	2. Chocoholic Vs Morning People

**Disclaimer: It's not mine; but I **_**am**_** Mafia (Crick, Obob, and rm/bo laugh hysterically).**

Chapter 2: Morning People

Okay, so you know those days when you just wake up and then wish you'd never done so five minutes afterwards? Yeah, welcome to my life. It's not really that I hate life as much as I strongly detest mornings with a passion (because hate is such a strong word).

Why must we get up at 6:30 in the morning so we can get to school by 7:15? Do teachers have some weird fetish about torturing their students with sleep deprivation? It's madness I tell you! Pure, unadulterated madness!

As you can see, mornings aren't exactly my strong point, per se. It's not my fault, I just don't wake up. No, literally, I have 5 alarm clocks stationed around my room, which I set at 5 AM, and you know when I'm usually woken up by them? 6:45. An hour and a half of the damn things ringing and ascending in volume before I manage to start hearing them. But I'd gotten used to it, I'd long since perfected the act of taking a shower, getting dressed, brushing hair and teeth (usually at the same time), eating a well-balanced breakfast (Nutrigrain bar (hey, if it gets the job done)), putting my hair in a ponytail (I'm very meticulous; putting up my hair has to have my full attention while I'm doing it so I don't do something wrong; it comes separately from brushing my hair), applying make-up, and putting my shoes on in the time-span of 25 minutes (5 minutes are taken for trying and failing multiple times to actually pry my eyes open).

It was actually kind-of a fun rush to get ready like that though. For some bizarre reason, it's what wakes me up. Well, besides the coffee and massive amounts of chocolate consumed during homeroom.

I woke up as soon as the pieces of junk started ringing this morning. That's how I knew this day was going to suck.

#-#-#-#-#

"You're late," was the only sound you could hear above the mayhem.

I quickly walked up the rows of screaming hormonal teenagers and took my usual window seat 3 rows from the back. Stupid peers were making my day just fucking cheery! They should pass a law, prohibiting kids from talking on school buses. Yeah, and then anyone caught talking should be thoroughly flogged! Damn, that would be fun!

"Hey, Ino," Sakura cheerfully sat down next to me, "what're you so happy about?" she asked, noticing my eminently maniacal grin.

"Oh, the usual, just imagining myself being able to flog all of the occupants on this bus."

"Ummm, bad morning?" she asked slowly scooting away from me.

"I mean, I know making talking forbidden will never happen (at least on school buses), but the least they could do is give you complimentary rolls of duct tape when you get on!" What? It's logical!

"What spider crawled into your Cheerios this morning?" Naruto asked sitting down behind us.

"THEY WERE CORN FLAKES!" I yelled. I think I over-judged the volume level on the bus, because, for some reason, everyone went quiet and started staring at me. Well, at least I wouldn't need the duct tape. (This is around the time I realized I really just need to shut up and turn on my mp3)

I quickly pulled out my iPod and started wrestling with the ear buds that always manage to get tangled EVERY FRICKIN' TIME I PUT THEM IN MY DAMN POCKET!

"H-hey Sakura," Naruto stuttered just now realizing who was beside me. How can you not notice her? She's got pink hair for God's sake! How do you even get pink hair anyway? It's not like we're in some frickin' manga or something!

I finally managed to get my IDIOTIC headphones untangled and turned up the volume on "Almost" **(1)** until it was the only thing I could hear.

Finally! Salvation.

#-#-#-#-#

Okay, maybe I should clarify some things before I go on to the next part. I don't _do_ mornings; I just can't. My brain doesn't even start functioning until around noon. My Ipod is the only thing that keeps me sane at 7 am. If I didn't have high-energy songs, like Accidentally in Love (Counting Crows) and Pain (Jimmy Eat World), I probably wouldn't even make it off the bus.

…which is kind-of the reason I'm incredibly cranky and high-maintenance this morning. That, coupled with the fact that I actually woke-up at 5. Alright, moving back to the story now…

Oh, and FYI, Naruto is the spawn of Satan, in case you were wondering…

#-#-#-#-#

"_Hippolyta, I wooed thee with my sword_,"

snort I'm sorry, but did he seriously just say-

"_And won thy love, doing thee injuries"_

Okay, now that was a little better but I come on! I woo thee with my sword?!? Damn, Shakespeare's almost as pervy as Kakashi!

"Alright, Shino, you can stop there," Kakashi (speak of the devil) interrupted, "Now, can anyone tell me what this means?"

Sakura slowly raised her hand. "Thesius was telling Hippolyta about the battles he fought for her?"

"Noooooo," he answered, in that you're-so-damn-wrong-I-think-I'll-laugh-about-it-later tone of voice teachers often have. But Kakashi wasn't like other teachers; one example is the fact that we use his first name instead of last. And for God's sake, the man wears a mask! He's 37 years old and he wears a navy-blue mask to cover his nose and mouth. Some people think he wears it to hide some disgusting facial feature, but that has yet to be proven.

Chouji slowly raised his hand, "Thesius likes swords?"

"No."

"He has a strange fetish with swords?"

"Nope."

"He wants to kill Hippolyta?"

"Oh, for crying out loud! He's saying they had SEX!" Note to self: pervy teachers and caffeine is _not_ a good combination.

"Psst!" I whispered to Naruto beside me, "I'm bored!"

He turned to me with that 'What-The-Hell?' face and answered, "Get a hobby."

"Hey, did I tell you my theory on oranges?" I asked, figuring, since I'm bored, the least I could do is annoy him. That _is_ my job after all.

"Do I ca-?"

"So I was wondering, which came first, orange the fruit or orange the color? Because, who knows which was named first? Did they first discover the color and then name the fruit because they bear a striking resemblance? But then wouldn't grapes be called purples and radishes be called reds? Or maybe they discovered the fruit first and found the color later? But still, why wouldn't they give them separate names? They gave every other fruit and color different names, but why not orange? Those poor things, they must've had huge inferiority complexes while growing up."

"First of all, Ino, you have waaaaay too much time on your hands. Second of all, not all grapes are purple, some of them are green or blue, so it really wouldn't make sense for them to call grapes purples, and there are also purple radishes too. And for Christ's sake, are you seriously sympathizing with a fruit?"

"What about strawberries? Huh? Huh? They're always red! What about that, Mr. Smarty-pants?"

"Ino,"

"Yes?"

"Just shut-up."

#-#-#-#-#

We met in gym class. He was the center of attention. Me? Well, I was a nobody. He kept to himself though, which is what caught my attention. He never cared about anyone, or even pretended to listen to what they were telling him. I guess you could say my first impression of him was that he was a rude jerk

Why was he so jerky when he was popular? Why was he so popular when he was so jerky? Didn't he care about his friends? Did he really have any friends? Why did he seem so alone in the middle of an adoring crowd?

We acted the same way, I out of shyness, him for whatever reason he had, and yet, he seemed to have so many friends. How is that possible?

Even though I had all of these questions, we probably never would've talked had it not have been for the project that was due in 2 weeks. For some strange reason, the gym teacher, Mrs. Kleinsky, decided to let us choose our own partners. Since he refused anyone who offered, Mrs. K had to pair him up with none other than me.

I remember wondering why he looked so shaken by it, and yet didn't refuse…

#-#-#-#-#

Okay, so did I mention how hard this is to write for me? It's waaaaaaaaay outside the boundaries of my normal writing style, so please bear with me if it takes a while for updates. Thanks for being somewhat patient!

In other news, I got Let's Do it for Johnny! I finally found it! How cool is that? My BFS collection is complete! Go me! does happy dance (for anyone who doesn't know me, I'm un-healthily obsessed with Bowling for Soup, so please excuse the spazziness)

PS: Reviews make me happy and therefore want to update faster! Thanks (again) in advance!

-Crick


	3. Chocoholic's Gaydar

**Disclaimer: I own it, it's mine. You caught me, I'm really Kishimoto. And pigs can fly and dogs love to hula dance. (sorry, sleep deprivation is making me a bit PO'd at life). Also, the CPSKBGS group isn't mine, it's soupcan's, from the fanfic, ****Paperwork to Love****. Thank you for inspiring me!**

Chapter 3: Chocoholic's Gay-dar

I have a violin, did I tell you that? His name's Henry, he's really shiny. Henry's probably my best friend in the entire world, mainly because he'll listen to all of my problems and never judge or make-fun of me because of them. And, if you listen really carefully, sometimes he'll actually respond.

What? It's not verbal! Did you honestly think I was that crazy? (Okay, maybe I am, but that's not the point.) No, it's just that sometimes Henry will inspire me to play a certain song, and it'll make me feel better about the situation.

Would you quit looking at me like that? Talking to inanimate objects is not crazy!

But, anyway, moving on with the story, the reason I told you about Henry is because he's the reason I hate Naruto Uzumaki. It all started in orchestra class (hence why me and Henry were hanging out). Of course Naruto, being the asshole that he is, had to also be a violinist. But you know what? He didn't name his violin! I know! Crazy, right?

Who doesn't name a violin? That's like, Beethoven's First Law of Symphony! I tried pointing that out to the A-Hole, but he _still _refused to name his instrument! The nerve!

And what's more still, he called me a bitch! Okay, so _maybe_ I _might have_ named his violin Richard and, well, sharpied it across his binder. But that was after he called me a bitch, so I think it was totally justified.

Basically, our relationship went downhill from there. But because he was my best friend's best friend, we just have to endure each other for the long-haul.

Life really sucks sometimes.

#-#-#-#-#

Health today was _interesting_, to say the least. Our teacher, Iruka, is possibly the most innocent person on the face of the planet. He really should be teaching 5-year-olds as opposed to horny 15-year olds.

Naruto and Sasuke had this contest going on over who could make Iruka blush more. Sasuke won; what, surprised? You'd be impressed by how unnerving it is to be asked about why there isn't a practice bed in here by a kid who's only two expressions are boredom and slightly pissed-off boredom.

"Alright guys, so today for Health, we're having a special group talk to us about, ummm, sexual preferences," God, I loved having Iruka for a teacher! The last time he tried to explain sex to us, he just gave up and made us watch a scene from Scary Movie 3. **(1)**

"Okay, so does anybody know who we are?" asked a man clad in disturbingly tight spandex as he walked up to the chalkboard and wrote, 'CPSKBGS'. Jesus, you'd think he'd have enough decency to cover up _certain parts_. I mean, yes, we were supposed to learn about the human anatomy, but not by using an actual person (who would probably jump at the idea). I shuddered unconsciously.

Sakura passed me a note from across the table.

**Did you know that when you shiver uncontrollably, someone's thinking of you naked?**

I looked up at her, glaring, while she pointed inconspicuously** (2)** at Naruto. I glared harder and scribbled down,

**Stop trying to pawn him off on me! We all know Naruto's in luuuuuuuurve **(she hates when I use 'cutesy' spelling)** with you!**

**Hmmm, maybe it was Sasuke…**

"No one? How about the blonde girl with the ponytail? Do you know what it means?" Guy (as was written underneath the acrostic) asked.

"The Creepy Perverts Should Keep Buying Girls Stuff group?" What? It was possible! Well, it made sense in my mind…-ish

**Oh come on! That whole 'he's evil' thing is so foreplay for making out! Besides, Sasuke's mine!**

"Well, ummm," Guy coughed awkwardly, "I certainly hope not!" he said, striking the gayest pose you could ever imagine. "It _really_ stands for Common People Should Know Being Gay is a Sin group!"

Wow. Wasn't expecting that one. I mean you'd think a 30+-year-old man wearing spandex would've come out of the closet to himself by now. Maybe all of that sexual frustration forced him into becoming a homophobe?

"Why is being gay a sin? Because it isn't natural! All of you young men, you're all in the springtime of youth! You never have dreams about other men! And if you do, it's work of the devil, don't give into it! No matter how hot and steamy it may seem-" Gay! I knew it! My Gay-dar is never wrong!

**You only think that because you haven't read the poetry he's written.**

'**Roses are red,**

**Violets are purple,**

**You're hair is pink,**

**And I love your chortle.'**

The sad part is, I didn't even make that up; it's on the inside cover of his math binder. I'm seriously thinking of sharpie-ing it across the front of his new orchestra folder. We'll consider it payback for calling me a Bitch.

#-#-#-#-#

"Hey, so what did you think of our guest speaker today in Health?" I asked Sakura as I sat down at our lunch table, "Did you hear his gushing about how 'Amazing it may feel in a dream, but it's truly the devil in disguise'? I felt urged to scream, 'GAY!'"

Sakura sighed and hit her head with her palm. "Ino, just because you have a 'Gay-dar', (she put up finger quotations around the word. Why do people do that? It's so stupid and pointless!) doesn't mean every single person of the male sex is gay."

"Oh yeah, Miss Know-it-all, I bet you 5 dollars I can prove you wrong! Besides, I'm not saying all men are, just the gay ones."

"Fine! Go ahead and try."

"_Naruto_," I said silkily while turning to face him across the table, "Are you gay?"

"No," he responded, giving me this What-the-Hell? Look.

"Are you kind of gay?"

"No," he answered, assured of his sexuality. We'll just see about that…

"Do you think you're gay?"

"No."

"Are you sort-of gay?"

"No."

"Are you maybe gay?"

"No!"

"Are you a _**teensy**_ bit gay?"

"NO ALREADY!" Okay, he was pissed-off and ready to say no again, it was time to trip the jerk.

"Okay, okay, we get it!

…So do your parents know you're gay yet?"

"No!"

"Wait, what? I'M NOT FUCKING GAY!!!"

"Too late, you already admitted it. Sakura, I believe you owe me five dollars." God, I loved embarrassing Naruto in front of the whole student body. Plus I earned money for doing it! If only I could make a real profession from it. Well, I could always succeed Dr. Phil when he died…

#-#-#-#-#

Every time I tried to start a conversation with him, he acted as if I wasn't even there. I tried to get his attention, but he'd never listen to me.

What was wrong with this guy? I wish I could've told him off, but that wasn't in my nature. Besides, I knew the eventually he'd have to recognize that we needed to get this project done.

One day he finally approached me in class and informed me that we should probably get this project done and over with, but that I probably shouldn't get to close I'd end-up heartbroken later. I don't know how I mustered up the courage to answer that he shouldn't think so highly of himself and that I already liked someone else.

I think that was the only time in my life I ever found a come-back to answer with when someone was insulting me…..

#-#-#-#-#

**1.In Scary Movie 3, there's a scene where the reverend's wife is dying from being hit by a truck. The officer tries to explain that she was split in half, using a hot dog as a visual. She then says that he has a few minutes to talk to his wife to which he replies with, "Can I also have some time with the bottom half?" She says, "I don't understand," to which he replies with by taking out another hot dog and a donut and then is interrupted by another police officer. It's terrible yet hilarious at the same time.**

**2.You guys should be so proud of me! I actually spelled that correctly the first time! I had to check synonyms just to make sure it was what I meant though…**

Well, in all honesty, I'm kind-of upset that not even half of the people reading this story are reviewing. I really need feedback on how I'm doing here guys. Please just take the five minutes to review, my muse appreciates it!


	4. Chocoholic Vs The Human Mind

**Hi guys! All I can say is I'm really sorry about the slow update! But to those who've been wondering when the NaruIno action's coming in, it's going to start to show in this chapter. Well, the one-sided part, anyway.**

**Disclaimer: ****starts down the long list of what isn't mine Naruto, Harry Potter, Jim Dale, The Plain White T's, the chick that sings, 'Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me', ****I, Robot**** (the book, not the movie, although I don't own that either), Avenue Q, oh, and I don't own the airport (big shocker there, I know)**

Chapter 4. Chocoholic Verses The Human Mind

God, I hate traveling. I'm sitting in this terminal next to Sakura and Temari (you wouldn't know her; she goes to a different school) waiting for the stupid delayed plane to arrive. It figures that the one time I'm on time for something, the plane ends up delayed! Just greeeeat. Ya' know, I think I woke up early this morning…

I decided to stretch my legs and get a soda. I walk to the door to the gate (since when did gates become individual rooms?), but it's locked. That's weird. I go to another door; it's also locked. I haven't tried them all but I can tell we're locked inside the room. I turn around to tell my friends, but they're gone. The only person there is Sasuke, who was sitting behind us, I guess. I try to ask him if he knows what happened to the doors, but he just smiles at me and starts walking through the chairs towards me. I try to open the doors again, but they won't budge. The handles won't even jiggle.

I turn around to find Naruto right in front of me instead of Sasuke, but for some reason, it just makes sense. Something's wrong with my vision, because everything's suddenly black and white; except for his entrancingly blue eyes.

But the bell for the airplane is going off, and I have to board; yet something holds me pinned to the spot and I know I'm not boarding that plane.

#-#-#-#-#

"INO, _WAKE UP_!" I was groggily stirred from my slumber to find Mom standing in the doorway to my room. Wait, where'd the airplane go? And the eyes, and the, the, beeping, and, and-

Oh. My alarm clocks. Funny how easily you can confuse them with airplane bells. What are airplane bells anyway? How in the Hell could I confuse an alarm clock for something that doesn't even exist? Or maybe they do and I don't even realize it. Sure would be helpful for those days when you need to know when they're boarding the airplane. Although, there may be a lot of those going off in the terminal. But we wouldn't hear them if each gate was a soundproof room.

…It makes sense in my mind, okay?

I sit up and stretch only to look at the clock and find that it's 7:00.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shitty, shit, shit. Hey, that rhymed! It was a lame rhyme, but still. I should write a poem about it! And then make it a song to play on my electric violin! Of course it would be an instant success, I would be a pop star by next Friday!

Provided I had an electric violin.

….And a written song; that might help. But that wouldn't be hard to write. I mean, think of all the songs with lame lyrics that are on the radio these days. 'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me'? 'Hate is a strong word, but I really, really, really don't like you'? No, I don't think it'd be hard to make it in the music business.

All the while I was attempting to get dressed in 5 minutes so that maybe my favoritest mother in the whole wide world (which surprisingly a very close competition, considering she's my only one (I can't help that Tenten's mom bakes better cookies)) could drive my late butt to school.

#-#-#-#-#

"_If you ask that once more," said Harry, "I'm going to stick this sprout-"_

"Show den, I heard dish ringing, which I thaw was the bell to boar' the airplane," I swallowed the mouthful of Nutrigrain then continued, "But it was really my alarm clocks going off. Funny how that happens, huh?"

_-peeling a mountain of sprouts for Mrs. Weasley. Snow was drifting past the window in-_

"Hmmm, sounds like you were trying to run away from Naruto," the most amazing mommy in the whole entire world (as I told her profusely this morning) answered, "You said his eyes were blue, right? That means innocence and calm; I think your subconscious is telling you you're trying to hide from the fact that you like this guy." Oh yeah, my mom's hobby is interpreting dreams. It's kind of funny considering the fact that she's a _computer _technician who likes to read about studies that delve into the _human _subconscious. That's probably why her favorite book is I, Robot, I guess. **(1)**

"_He said he'd promised Malfoy's mother to protect him, that he'd made an-"_

"_Naruto?_ Are you kidding me?" I asked over Jim Dale's voice**(2),** "We hate each other! The only reason we actually try to talk to each other is because of Sakura. And even then almost every conversation we have turns into an argument."

_-said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can't have… Are you sure?"_

"I think your relationship is a lot closer than you believe, kind of like Ron and Hermione. Maybe you're trying to hide your feelings behind the excuse that you hate each other?" she said in that, 'I'm not really asking, just pretending so that you'll actually listen to what I'm saying' voice. I can interpret parent language fluently.

"Well, I guess it does kind of resemble their relationship, without the romance though." **(3)**

Too bad it works on me anyway.

#-#-#-#-#

Why did I tell Mom my dream? Why? What could possibly possess me to even think about having my mom interpret my dream? Of course 1st period is math, with me sitting _right_ behind the dobe. Just peachy. It doesn't make sense that I'm getting so hot and bothered about this. I mean, it really doesn't mean anything, right? I hate Naruto.

Well, I know that, you know that, the whole bloody damn world knows it! Yet my subconscious apparently didn't get the memo. I've told it time and time again, "I hate Naruto Uzumaki!" But did it listen? Noooo. Instead it goes on making me shiver whenever he smiles and realize just how gorgeous his eyes are. I'm going to kill that damn thing someday.

Except, if I kill it, then that'd mean I'd have to kill myself. I've never done that before, but I'm guessing it's not fun.

I know! I'll kill him instead! That'll get rid of that stupid (it's not a crush, it's not a crush, it's not a crush) _feeling_. After all, who could be attracted to a corpse?

Oh no! What if I'm attracted to corpses?!? Maybe _that's_ why I like him! Ewww, Corpse sex!

Kinky.

Wait, why'd I just think that? I'm a necro-phile! I shivered at the thought. Great, now I'm a necro-phile who's being thought of naked. I wonder if it's Naruto.

_RIIIIIIIIIING!_

Did I seriously just think that? Okay, okay, think of the positive side. I got through one class period without going mentally insane. Only 3 more to go!** (4)**

#-#-#-#-#

_Foozle has entered the chat room_

**FBluver:** Hey Fooz, what's going on?

**Foozle:** Temari, I've got a problem. Remember that guy, Naruto Uzumaki?

**FBluver: **Who?

**Foozle:** sigh, the idiot with blond hair.

**FBluver:** The kid who reeks of ramen?

**Foozle:** Yup.

**FBluver:** What about him?

**Foozle:** I think I like him.

**FBluver:** rofl You're kidding, right? I thought you hated that guy.

**Foozle:** I know that and you know that, but the problem is that my subconscious didin't get the memo; in fact, it decided that I'm a necro-phile.

**FBluver:** Do I want to know?

**Foozle:**…

_GreenMonster007 has entered the chat room_

**FBluver:** LEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! glomps

_GreenMonster007 has left the chat room_

**FBluver:** I think I scared him off in record time there. What's with the 007 thing?

**Foozle:** Oh, I guess when he gave up on being a ninja and decided to become James Bond when he grows up?

**FBluver:** O.O Does that mean no more screaming, "I'M GOING TO BECOME A GREAT NINJA!"?

**Foozle:** No, he replaced it with, "SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED!"

**FBluver:** Heh. So, back to the Naruto thing, if it makes you feel any better, my best friend's friend told me he liked me.

**Foozle:** The best friend or his friend?

**FBlover:** Best friend.

**Foozle:** Do you like him?

**FBluver:** No.

**FBluver:** Well, I don't _think_ so…

**FBluver:** It sucks to be me. It sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-suck, It sucks to be me.

**Foozle:** Hey, at least your subconscious is on your side! Mine's decided to make me go insane. It sucks to be_ me_.

**FBluver:** That's true! Thanks for making me feel better. **(5)**

#-#-#-#-#

Our project was done in complete silence in the library after school one day. I couldn't look at him; every time I tried I just remembered how I told him off, and it made my cheeks turn bright red.

We split the project in half so we didn't need to even communicate. He had to write the rules to the game and I had to type up the PowerPoint for it. I don't even know why we had to study together in the library, other than the fact that he insisted on it.

Not that I was complaining; lately the only human contact I'd had after school was cousin Neji, and we both aren't exactly what you'd call the talkative type.

#-#-#-#-#

**Notice, I put it as her favorite book,**_** not**_** movie. To those who haven't read the book, believe me, there's a huge difference. The book is a collection of short stories about the history of robotics, and it centers around Susan Calvin, a robopsychologist, who believes that robots will eventually surpass us in brilliance and learn how to think for themselves. The movie's about the robots staging a revolution (I don't feel like in explaining in full detail). So it's a bit different.**

**In case you were wondering, the audio book of Harry Potter HBP (which I don't own and hopefully never will) is playing in the background; Jim Dale is the person reading it.**

**Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!**

**Ino and her friends go to a school that's set-up with a block schedule. That means that they have 8 class periods, but only 4 each day. Usually, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the odd periods (1,3,5,7), while Mondays and Wednesdays are even periods (2,4,6,8), Fridays have all 8 periods.**

**Temari's reciting a song from Avenue Q called, "What Do You Do With a BA in English/ It Sucks to Be Me". I also added in a theme from another song in the musical called, "Schadenfreude".**

**So, yeah. This chapter kind of feels like dog poop, but oh well. Reviews would be nice; constructive criticism is my friend.**

**-Crick**


	5. An Emo Chocoholic

**Disclaimer: Not mine. I **_**do**_** really want the new Jimmy Eat World cd though, if anyone's willing to buy it for me?**

**Chapter 5: An Emo Chocoholic**

Temari and I have known each other since 1st grade during Sunday School, when the teacher had to separate us for arguing about which Sailor Moon character was cooler. I _of course_ said it was Sailor Mercury, because hello, Blue hair! I even have a wall in my bathroom dedicated to pictures of her. But for some weird reason, she liked Sailor Moon. _Everyone_ knows she's overrated.

The relationship flourished from there! Okay, so it took 5 years of arguing and a ton of practical jokes first. But then we both realized how much we had in common: eg. Acting, manga-addictions, and (of course) Chocó holism. It was friendship at 50,000th time sight.

Temari is the coolest person you will ever meet in your entire life, besides me and Sakura, of course. She's bean-pole skinny, crazy outgoing, and an amazing singer/actor. And to top it off, she's actually comfortable with the type of person she is. She's my role-model.

Temari also happens to be the way I met Tenten. But that's a story for another time.

#-#-#-#-#

_**Someone call a medic 'cause I think she's gonna strike again, she slammed down the phone and gave the finger to the nightstand. Holds the picture in the heart-shaped frame we bought at Target, yes I think we've got a problem but I can't put my finger on it.**_

Screw looking on the bright side of things. Life hates me, so I've decided to hate it back. Why must people insist that the glass is half-full when everyone can see there isn't even water in the glass? Hell, half the time there isn't even an effing cup! It's just an empty table, in an empty room; minus the empty table of course.

_**It seems like she told me I'm in over my head, but all I remember is making-out constantly, if I don't get up then I'll probably end up dead, she's the undisputed champ of my world.**_

Where's the bright side of things now, huh? Huh? That's what I thought.

_**Down for the count, over and out, toss in the towel 'cause she really got the best of me, I can't hang around, get kicked while I'm down, what was that sound? I just wish the effin' bell would ring!**_

I giggled involuntarily. What? It's a funny song! Who doesn't love a song that compares a break-up with a wrestling match?

"_**Let's get ready for verse number 2!"**_

Crap, I can't go Emo while listening to Bowling for Soup! I should put in a different CD, like My Chemical What's-it's-Face, Red Jumpsuit Thingy, or even Bad Charlotte **(1)**!

_**The message on the cell says she's waiting on the call for me to tell her that I'm sorry, I can come back if I crawl, but I've got bad knees and I can't say that I'm sorry, 'cept I'm sorry that I met you now my card's up and I'm fightin' dirty!**_

But on the other hand, if I stopped the CD now, I'd miss Two Seater. That song's pretty Emo, isn't it? The guy vandalizes his ex's car after a nasty break-up, and emo songs _are_ usually about depressing break-ups; I think it's definitely emo material.

_**It seems like she told me I'm in over my head, but all I remember is making-out constantly, if I don't get up then I'll probably end up dead, she's the undisputed champ of my world.**_

Who am I kidding, the CD's stupidly funny. I can't listen to it if I'm going Emo. But on the bright side of things, I do feel better about the whole Naruto_ feeling_ (it's not a crush, it's not a crush). Plus, I figured out a way to get rid of it.

Insert evil cackle here….

…

…

Although this would be a great place for a page-break, I'm going to tell you my awesome plan before I explode from waiting too long. Are you ready for this one? I am going to find Naruto a girlfriend. Brilliant, no? 'Cause then, if he has a girlfriend, I won't have to deal with the whole 'Ron and Hermione' simile, because he'll already be dating someone, so it won't matter! I'll be free to seduce Sasuke, Naruto won't have to die alone, we'll still hate each other for eternity, and the world will be in perfect harmony again.

God, I love happy endings.

Or it could end up like that story in Case Closed where he ends up dead because he didn't want me to get the nose-job that I did, so he refused to date me, and then I had to poison him before realizing that he did, in fact, love me, he just didn't like my nose-job. That would really suck.

But wait, I don't love him.

…do I?

Damnit, stop messing with my head!

#-#-#-#-#

"You need a girlfriend," I said, being the tactful person that I am. I walked over to the table and slammed my mega-awesome-superbly-spectacular-never-failing-personality-test (MASSNFPT for short; don't try pronouncing that, it gave me a headache trying). Then again, I just made it up last night, so it's technically never worked before either… Oh well.

"Wha-? Since when?" Naruto asked, being the brilliant person that he is. God, I love sarcastic ironies, don't you?

"Since I created the MASSNFPT© and decided I needed a test-subject!" I exclaimed, with that crazy-smile, you all know and love, plastered on my face.

"And what does the Mass turnpike-thingy have to do with me needing a girlfriend?"

"_Mass turnpike?_ How did you get Mass turnpike from MASSNFPT©? Seriously? I mean, one's clearly an acrostic and another's the name for the freeway in Boston."

"Well some people happen to like Boston!" Naruto said, trying to come-up with a decent comeback; it didn't work well.

"Chicago's better!" I answered. What? It is! If I'm going to stoop to his level, it better be with the most amazing city ever.

"Are you kidding me? Boston could beat the socks off of Chicago! Look at it; it's in Illinois for God's sake! East Coast totally beats Midwest every time!

"**YOU LIE!!!"**

Don't you just love those times when the whole cafeteria stops to stare at you for shouting out some totally random comment? I guess in retrospect it could've been worse though, I _could've_ yelled, **"Sailor Mercury rules!"** and have had people really think of me as a freak. But then again, everyone already does, so what does it matter?

"You mean the character from Sailor Moon? What does she have to do with the Mass Turnpike?" Naruto asked with that annoying little head-tilt that made him look like a 5-year-old.

Crap, I said that aloud, didn't I?

"Ummm, nothing. Anyway, point is, you should take this quiz because you need a girlfriend and I need a test subject."

"Why didn't you just-"

"Lee was busy.Plus, he'll never get over Sakura"

"How about-"

"Sakura's still _madly in love _with Sasuke."

"SO ASK SASUKE-BASTARD!" Naruto yelled, completely impressed with himself that he could come up with such a good solution. Or at least I let him think that for a couple of seconds.

"Sasuke hates everyone; he'll never get a girlfriend, so why would I even try?" I answered. It's not that I was smug, well okay, maybe just a little, but I _did_ leave it as if there was no room left for discussion. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I _am_ pretty damn amazing at being able to force people into doing things.

"Because-"

"Besides, he's not nearly as fun to torture as you are!"

"But-"

"Don't you want to know whether you're compatible to Sakura or not? Hmmm? You do know that after finding who you're compatible to, I set the 2 of you up on a blind date, don't you?" Okay, so I invented that benefit 5 seconds ago, but if it gets him to take the questionnaire, who cares? Besides, I never agreed to _pay_ for the date.

He was silent after this question; I knew I'd won.

#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#-#

"Why don't you ever stand up for yourself?"

He had just walked up to me after I tried to muster the courage to talk to Naruto one day. It was such a simple question. Why _did_ I let other people walk all over me? Was it because I was shy? Maybe because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Or maybe, it was because I was scared of how people would think of me if I made a comment someone didn't agree with. The last was probably the answer.

I don't know why, but something compelled me to slap him after he said that. That pompous, arrogant, know-it-all, whom everyone always agreed with because he was popular, was asking a Nobody why she never talked.

Of course I never did slap him, because what would he think of me if I did? I merely walked away in an embarrassed manner.

After he confronted me like that, I thought it would end there. But every time he saw me in a class or walking down the halls, he'd ask, "Why?"

My question back, that was always left unspoken, was, why did he even care?

#-#-#-#-#

**Okay, so I know y'all probably hate me for taking forever and a day to update. All I can say is that I'm really sorry, and school just started so quickly and homework can be a bitch sometimes. So to make up for such a late update, I added a little excerpt that was originally supposed to be in the chapter, but didn't fit anywhere.**

**Enjoy.**

**#-#-#-#-#**

"Tenten, I've got a confession to make."

"You've finally figured out the world doesn't revolve around you?"

"No! I mean, yes, but no. I mean… Stop confusing me!"

"You finally agree with me that Twilight sucks? **(2)**"

"No, I liked that book!"

"You've decided-"

"Quit it already!"

"Alright, fine, what is it?"

I sighed loudly while saying, "I'm going Emo!" I braced myself for her reaction. She'd probably fall over crying or something. She probably wouldn't be able to talk to me for a few days, but eventually accept it and life would go on. (Tenten views Emos the way the rest of the world views gays…)

Tenten snorted, and then burst into all-out laughter. What the Hell? I just admitted my deepest darkest secret, which I'd held for almost 2 hours now, might I add, and she thinks it's _funny_?

"That's a good one, Ino," she answered in-between giggles.

"Hey, I'm serious here! Why don't you believe me?" Okay, so you know how when someone e-mails you and puts rofl to accentuate how funny something is, and you imagine this person rolling on the floor laughing so uncontrollably to the point where they're on the brink of dying from some sort of laugh-related seizure? That's what she looked like right now. God, I'm _so_ lucky to have friends who take me seriously.

"Well, for starters, you don't even look Emo!" she answered, despite the fact that I was wearing a black t-shirt, heavy eye-liner, and girl's jeans.

Running the risk of being redundant, I retaliated with, "Yes I do! Look, I'm wearing a black t-shirt, heavy eyeliner, _and_ girl's jeans!" Notice how I accentuated the 'and' so it wasn't redundant? Impressive, I know. I like the word redundant; I wonder how many times I could say it in a sentence with it still having some semblance of a meaning.

"Redundantly, I rode my green bike with the redundant, slightly greener, lights on the front, down the redundant road, which parallels to the one five redundant feet away from said redundant road. Okay, now that was impressive, right? Five times in one sentence has _got_ to be a world record or something."

"Do I even _want _to know?"

"… Probably not."

"Okay, you were totally bubbly and junk just then. You're not emo, Ino." Heh, heh, that rhymed.

"But I'm wearing a black shirt!"

"It says 'Relinet K' on it!"

"-Which is a totally emo band!"

"Ha! Are you kidding me? _The Sadie Hawkins's dance, in my khaki pants, there's nothing better, baby do you like my sweater?_"

"They have their emo songs, too! That's just a bad example."

"_Let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings, so we'll be tipped off, to when they're ticked off, so that we'll know just what they're thinking?"_

"Right! He can't hold a girlfriend because he's callus to girls' feelings! That is _totally_ an emo theme!"

"Fine, you're emo. Whatever." Yes! Victory! I would do a victory dance, but then I'd probably fall off the redundantly green bike I was theoretically riding in that sentence.

#-#-#-#-#

**Did that compensate at least a little for how long it's taken me to update? Review anyway? Oh, but just a warning, I'm nearing "that time of the month", so any people who feel like flaming should wait about 7 days before doing so. Otherwise, beware the wrath of a PMS-y Crick.**

**-Crick**


	6. Chocoholic Vs Math Class

No reviews

**Hmmm, well, I could come up with some lame story about how I was kidnapped by pirate-ninjas and barely had enough moldy bread to keep me sustained, much less think about writing this chapter, but alas, I had no such luck at inventing a good enough excuse. Truth is, I lost confidence in my writing. I know this is **_**so**_** difficult to believe (me? The indestructible Crick?), but I really didn't have that high a self-esteem to begin with, so it really isn't that big a shocker to me.**

**And that's not even the last part of the story! Halfway through the school year I lost interest in Naruto. I couldn't even think of a decent reason to keep working on this story until soupcan kicked me in the (metaphorical) balls and forced me to think up another chapter. So here it is…**

**Disclaimer: Not mine…I do own the math class and monster poems, though. I know, impressive, right?**

Chapter 6:Math Class

"_Math class, oh math class,"_

I've decided something. I've had- an epiphany, if you will.

"_How may I describe you?"_

There are people who are amazing at poetry; for them, this is a fun unit.

"_All of the torturous times spent here,"_

But then there are some people-

"_Trapped inside the endless goo,"_

-Who should be locked inside an insane asylum for even thinking about trying to write poetry.

"_Of trivial equations,_

_Which turn me blue,"_

Need I say more?

"_From all of the meaningless numbers and redundant letters,_

_Oh math class, you know it's true."_

What's funny is that this is actually one of the better ones. You should've heard Kiba's, "An Ode to Oatmeal." Let's just say I am now scarred for life.

"_Why, math class, why must you confuse me so?_

_I haven't got a clue."_

"Very… interesting, Mr. Uzumaki.…Well, you definitely got the point across," Kakashi said as the class clapped boredly, "Okay; who would like to share their poem next?"

I raised my hand cautiously. I actually kind-of liked Naruto's poem; it made mine feel better about itself.

"Alright Ino, you have the floor!" Kakashi said enthusiastically, he knew that when I recited a poem, _I recited a poem_. This was about the point a _mere mortal_ would've felt stupid, but _I_ was above that, _I_ was an actor! (You should probably know that I said everything in italics with an English accent, otherwise it loses the whole effect.)

I prepared my best, scared little kid voice and began. You should probably know, dear _mortals_, that since you are only reading this and do not have the privilege to hear it from my actual lips (God, that sounds so kinky), my little kid's voice includes a lisp, so feel free to replace the R's, and sometimes L's, with W's and slur the S's.

"_The monster in the closet,_

_Comes 'round about eight-o-clock,_

_It sticks its nose where it doesn't belong,_

_And gives me quite a shock._

"_Its face is orange and hair is green,_

_With clothes he stole from a clown,_

_He finds my bed and sneaks up on me,_

_But makes not even a sound._

"_The monster in the closet,_

_Used to scare me quite a lot,_

_I used to call for Mom and Dad,_

_So that he might be caught._

"_That sneaky little devil,_

_Would run away and hide,_

_My parents would end their fruitless search,_

_And back into my room he would slide!_

"_But the monster in the closet knows,_

_He can't scare me any more,_

_For I know his trick in hiding,_

_And now close the closet door."_

I triumphantly finished my poem and sat down in my chair during the round of applause.

…Okay, so there were a few snores mixed in there, but there was still that stillness in the classroom which signaled I had awe from my classmates.

That is until someone moaned loudly and started drooling on their desk. Stupid sleeping _mortal_ didn't know what he was missing; that must've been why he fell asleep…

Right?

"Pfft, show-off," Naruto whispered beside me.

"Hey, I can't help that I actually have talent, unlike _some_ people," I answered triumphantly. "By the way, have you finished the MASSNFPT© yet?"

"You mean the stupid test-thingy you gave me so I could be your little test-subject? Yeah, I did it, though I still don't know what relevancy some of the questions had."

"Whatever do you mean? ALL of the questions were relevant!" –ish…

"'Do you wear boxers or briefs?!'" he said, looking at me incredulously.

"Hee, hee, okay, so that question was just for amusement." What? I happen to think it is very important to know these things about your cru-err-rival. "Anyway, do you have it finished?"

He handed it to me with a severely confused look on his face. God, I love messing with him.

"Awww, you didn't answer that one," I said, looking it over.

#-#-#-#-#

You know what I love about Temari? We connect on a whole different level that only best friends and extremely insane people understand, which both of us happen to be. For instance, I could make a comment like, "I hate oatmeal," randomly as we're walking down the hallway to our next class, and she'd just answer, "Yeah, Kiba scares me too." Then we look at each other for a second and burst out laughing. Meanwhile everyone else in our proximity stares at us as if we're crazy, which is quite possibly true.

Today, though, I felt like a jerk, and not just any run-o'-the-mill, Galinda-before-Elphaba-and-her-became-friends jerk. No, I felt like an Amber, from the original Hairspray movie, jerk. That's pretty hard to do.

Okay, that was a bad example to all those who don't know anything about musicals. It's not like Kagome, who didn't know that she was hurting Inu-Yasha, but more like Megumi, who's only goal in the anime was to separate Kaoru from Kenshin. We all knew Megumi didn't want him like Kaoru did; but nonetheless, she'd keep running after him just to bother Kaoru.

Am I still not making any sense? Aw, forget it. Point is I was feeling particularly jerky today. Why, you ask? Well,

Oh no, it looks like, yes, I think it is!

It's a-

**FLASHBACK!**

"_Ack!" Temari screamed as she splooshed against the front door of the school. Well, it made more of a smack sound, but it _looked_ like a sploosh, with her cheek landing flat onto the glass and all._

_Hee, hee, sploosh is a funny word._

**END ANTICLIMACTIC FLASHBACK!**

Yes, that's right. I, Ino Yamanaka, the sweet little angel, totally pulled a Schadenfreude moment on Temari I-Have-No-Clue-What-Her-Last-Name-Is-So-I'll-Go-With-Smith… Or possibly IHNCWHLNISIGWS…But Smith is probably closer.

_We provide a vital service to society-y, you and me, Schadenfreude! Makin' the world a better place to be!_

Okay, focus Ino, focus.

And it gets even worse!

**30 SECONDS BEFORE LAME FLASHBACK!**

"_Ino, are you even listening to me?"_

"_Something about Kiba and sitting on the bus and his lame attempt to hit on you?" I hate when I don't get enough sleep; I end up getting this nasty habit of staring off into space and making people think I'm not listening to them._

"_What are you talking about?" Temari asked._

"_Y'know, with the choir field trip and everything?" I prompted, "And he sat on your lap, or something. Geez, I don't know, it's your story!"_

"_You told me you thought he wasn't flirting! Besides, we were talking about pudding flavors."_

"_Oh…"_

"_How much sleep did you get last night?"_

"_Ummm, four? No, five! I think?" I answered while closing the door as we walked into the school._

_Sploosh!_

**END EVEN LAMER FLASHBACK!**

I killed her! I killed my best friend! The one who listens to all my crap and actually believes I'm a sane person half of the time! I'm such a horrible person!

Ooh, and here's the worst part! I'm sitting in the nurse's office, trying to convince my friend the bump isn't really that big, when I accidentally try to slip in a Yu Yu Hakusho joke to lighten the mood! Telling her it looked like a third eye and that she could probably cosplay Hiei at the next anime con really did sound better in my head…

There's got to be something I can do to make her feel better… Something to make her not hate me anymore… Something…

What about the whole Naruto problem? Who the heck am I going to find who'd be willing to go-out with him?

Wait a sec; Naruto's favorite color is orange. Temari's 3rd-favorite color is brown; and if you add black to orange…

I know! I'll set her up with Naruto! That's killing two birds with one stone. God, I'm so brilliant sometimes.

Now all I need is some chocolate and a couple of hours, then we're in business!

#-#-#-#-#

I hadn't talked to him in weeks; not since after the project. Then it happened: he passed me in the halls and accidentally brushed my shoulder. I don't know why, but I could feel it for the rest of the day. I don't know why; Naruto had never caused that kind of reaction from me…

#-#-#-#-#

**This chapter seemed rushed and pointless, but whatever. I don't really think I'm going to be able to finish this fic. I know, I'm a horrible author, but I still just don't believe in myself anymore. I'll try to write me, but I can't promise anything.**

**Reviews would be cool, but I'd understand if you don't think I deserve them for whatever reason.**

**-Crick**

**PS: I'm thinking of changing my penname to either ACricketToFillTheSilence or That-Jewish-Chick. Tell me what you think, yes?**


	7. Chocoholic's Epic Fail

**Hiya! Erm, please don't hate me? I realize it's been a lifetime since I last updated, but I also realize that this story desperately needs to be completed. So if you're not already ignoring this latest installment, please enjoy.**

**PS: For those of you who've been reading it from the beginning and aren't sick enough of my erratic updates to stop reading, skimming over the previous chapter might help refresh memories.**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine. Sappho isn't either, for the record.**

Chapter 7: Epic Fail

"You hate me, don't you?"

"Ino, relax, I don't hate you!" Temari sighed, while putting down her book. No one could ever concentrate on even a manga, much less a book, while listening to my sweet, angelic voice. I don't mean to sound conceited or anything, but, well, it _is_ me. I could rouse the ethereal gods of ancient Greece if I wanted…

Well, Hades, at least.

"Yes you do! You despise me from the inner depths of your soul. If you could call down Zeus from Mount Olympus to smite me with thunder-"

"Hmm, that's not such a bad idea, now that you mention it."

"Excuse me, ranting here? Hey, wait!"

"Ah hah! She finally pays attention to what I'm saying. Now could you please quiet down or leave?" Temari exasperatedly rubbed her forehead with the tips of her fingers while saying this. I'll admit, the library isn't exactly the greatest place to strike up a conversation *cough, argument, cough*, but we needed to talk about this!

"No, I will not shut up until we talk this through!"

"_SHHH!_" our librarian, Ms. Tsunade whisper/shouted. Have you ever noticed how all librarians seem to look the same after a while? Most of them seem relatively tall, skinny, and can get that look in their eyes which scream, 'If you try to hurt my books in any way, I'll strangle you in fines.' The feature which made our librarian a little different than most was her unusually large breast size. This seemed to both tantalize and scare the guys, who hoped to get in between her boobs without having their head be crushed by the impact.

"_Sorry,_" we both answered in unison.

"_What's there to talk through? I walked into a door and, albeit the rather strange onomatopoeia you assigned to this, I forgave you. End of story,"_she whispered irritably. Heh, heh, I couldn't resist telling her about how it made a 'Sploosh!' sound.

"_Please, just let me make it up to you._" I pleaded, while giving her the patented, 'I-Wuv-Wou-Now-Do-What-I-Want,' look. You know the face: puppy-dog eyes, angelic neutral mouth line with upper lip slightly raised as if saying, 'Why must you hate me so?'

"… _No._"

#-#-#-#-#

The chocolate has failed me.

I keep reviewing the situation over and over again in my head, and I can't figure out what I did wrong. This was supposed to be fool-proof, dammit! I had it all laid-out in my head: I'd approach, piss her off just enough to pay attention to the whining, and then lay the 'Let me make it up to you,' line. She was _supposed_ to say yes, if only based upon the fact that it would get me to stop bothering her! What went wrong?

It must have been Ms. Tsunade! Damn her and her unusually large cleavage! If the library wasn't full of adolescent males, I bet she would have allowed me to keep yelling! And then I could have bombarded Temari into submission, as planned. But _noooooo,_ of course there were hormone-ridden guys with their eyes only on one prize!

What am I talking about? Now all I'm doing is making excuses for my failure.

And bringing chocolate into it; now that's just low!

Think not what your chocolate can do for you, but what you can do for your chocolate. I'll get through this minor set-back and end-up stronger than before! Yes, that's it!

I'll become a model citizen: helping old ladies cross the street, coercing cats down from trees, raising money for breast cancer research, joining the Girl Scouts…

Well, maybe not the Girl Scouts; what's good Samaritan about helping people grow fat on Thin Mints? Then there are the pedophiles you run into while selling door-to-door. Let's also not forget about all the paperwork they make you file in order to plan activities; totally not eco-friendly…

No, instead, I'll take down the Girl Scouts! Yes, that's it! Then, _after_taking down the Girl Scouts, dharma will have to be on my side and I'll finally be able to convince Temari to date Naruto. It's fool-proof! (1)

I wish Naruto would look at me the same way those guys ogle Ms. Temari.

No, I refuse to become that girl so infatuated she can't see her own feet. I'm not the girl who will end up doodling Mrs. Ino Uzumaki all over her notebook while spacing out in class.

Okay, I am, but never more than five times before I catch myself, I swear!

I won't do it; I won't fall completely heels over head for some brain-dead, jerky, ADD, cute, funny, enthusiastic, and completely sweet guy.

Even if I did, I'm not his type anyway. He likes the bimbo cheerleader type; I'm the anime nerd who's never afraid to yell her opinions while hitting said cheerleader over the head, and then say, "Could've had a V8!"

Paint some green make-up on me, start calling me Idina, and I'd be the perfect type-cast for Elphaba. I wonder if my Fiero notices that I exist.

'_I'm not that giiiiiiiiiiiirl.' _(2)

#-#-#-#-#

Breathe, Ino, breathe. So he's in your English class; just because you _might_ have feelings for the idiot doesn't mean anything should change in your relationship. Just walk into the classroom, past the whiteboard, and sit down at the table. No big deal. No big deal.

_Bang!_

Big deal! Big deal!

Note to self: notice your surroundings, i.e. the other tables blocking your path, before making a bee-line to where you plan on sitting. Especially when power-walking so that no one can steal your spot!

"Ino, you okay?" Sakura asked, standing from _my spot_next to Naruto. When did she get there?

"Yeah, that looked like it hurt," Naruto interjected worriedly. Maybe the last part was just my imagination.

"Who, me? Oh, I'm fine." No I wasn't, that effing hurt! My knee was practically begging to be amputated from the nerve signals it was sending.

"Are you sure? Maybe you should get some ice or something?" Sakura asked as I stood by a chair noticeably not mine, damn that vixen, and attempted to flex my knee into a right angle. All I had to do was go another 45-degrees and I could sit down.

42...

41...

"I'm," gah! "fine!" What were these tables made of, cement?

"Hey, I'm planning on taking down the Girl Scouts, wanna help?" I said, stealthily changing the subject once I managed to sit down.

"What does that have to do with you banging your knee on a table?" Damn you Sakura, you cotton candy haired Aphrodite, managing to see through my brilliant topic transition!

"Pedophiles like to run down the gimp of the troop, they find her to be the easiest target!" I answered, looking her straight in the eye while initiating a silent staring contest. Some say this is unfair, seeing as the other person has no clue why you randomly started glaring at them; the pansies. Real men, err women, should know immediately when a staring contest has started, otherwise they don't deserve to win.

"Jesus, what's up with you today, Ino?"

"You. Stole. My. Seat," I blindly retorted with anger bubbling from the pit of my soul. It was a _good_ chair.

"I didn't know it had your name on it," Sakura answered, finally realizing we were having a staring contest.

"Oh I think you knew quite well," I said, narrowing my eyes.

"Ladies, relax, there's enough of good ol' Naruto to go around!" Naruto said, assuming we were talking about him, which was true. That doesn't mean I wanted to admit it, though.

"Shut up," we both turned and answered in unison, then turned back, staring contest more heated than ever.

Mr. Kakashi casually strode in as the bell rang, forcing Sakura and I to temporarily suspend our staring competition. "It's high time I introduced you guys to my very good friend Sappho," he said, commencing his lecture.

#-#-#-#-#

"_My tongue is broken;  
a thin flame runs under  
my skin; seeing nothing,_ (3)

"hearing only my own ears  
drumming, I drip with sweat;  
trembling shakes my body

"and I turn paler than  
dry grass. At such times  
death isn't far from me."

It's amazing how little human beings change, isn't it? Here we are, in the 21st century, saying, "Look at how much technology we have; we're so advanced." And yet, feel the power of Sappho's words, written over 2,000 years ago, which still ring true.

My tongue is always broken around him, and my heart always beats so fast that I don't understand why no one else can hear it. That's when I realized it.

In the middle of English class, right beside the very girl he has feelings for, I admitted it to myself.

I've fallen for Naruto Uzumaki.

#-#-#-#-#

It started in silence: absent glances across the room and equally absent brushes across the arm. He probably assumed I didn't notice at first, but I did.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't have feelings for him at that time, but I guess it just felt good to be noticed. Imagine that.

#-#-#-#-#

(1) No, I didn't mean karma when I wrote this. Karma is often confused with dharma, but the two are actually very different things. In Hinduism, karma is the penalty paid for all the wrongdoings, in a person's former life, which affects the station they acquire in their next life. In contrast, dharma is composed of all of the things, righteous or malicious, done during one's life, which tells what kind of karma they'll have for the next life.

(2) Heh, this is a blatant musical geek reference to Wicked, arguably the best musical on Broadway of the decade. In case you don't know, this musical is about the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West. I also just stole the other half of Gregory Maguire's title, which is what the musical's based off of. Anyway, Idina Menzel was the original Elphaba (WWotW), and sings a ballad halfway through the show, entitled, 'I'm Not that Girl,' focused on the point that she's in love with her best friend, Galinda's (to become the Good Witch of the North), boyfriend Fiero, and realizes she'll never be the type of girl he would ever love. Very angsty; very appropriate. I'd recommend for you to YouTube it, or something.

(3) Source: "He is More Than a Hero," by Sappho (c. 600 BCE) The title is a bit of a verbal irony, considering the fact that the poem is actually written about Sappho's love for the man's wife.

**I think I'll probably be able to finish this within 10 chapters, when I find more time to write.**

**Love it? Hate it? Just want to read a funny quote? Comments are loved, despite the fact that I probably don't deserve them. *sweat drop***

**-Crick**


	8. Chocoholic Makes a Dramatic Exit

**My goal is to have this out by soupcan's birthday, but I have a feeling that it'll turn out being closer to mine (in May)… Or Catman's (in September)…**

**Chapter 8: A Good Deal of Dramatic Exits**

Okay, so I like him, no big deal.

He's just the guy I've hated for six years. No big deal at all.

Right.

I'll just keep with my plan and force Temari to go on a date with him. They'll fall madly in love, get married just out of high school, and become baby-making machines. By then I'll have to have gotten over this feeling!

Right?

Life sucks.

Okay, I at least know that fact's right.

I need a chick flick.

#-#-#-#-#

After bingeing both chick flicks and chocolate for multiple hours, I've come to three conclusions about love, life, and high school.

**Men are always after one thing: getting into your pants.** This seems to be the golden rule of romantic comedies. You have to wait for the right guy, aka the guy who, not only wants to get into your pants, but remembers your eye color too **(1)**. Thank Heavens, I was worried they were supposed to remember trivial things like your birthday, favorite type of sushi, or your uncalled-for hate of all candy not made of chocolate. The only way that seems to protect you from falling for the men only trying to get into your pants is the token gay guy, which should be found in every group of friends. This is fool-proof in that you can have a male companion who isn't constantly trying to get into your pants, but another guy's pants. No pressure equals a healthy relationship that includes lots of guy-watching and going to other chick flicks together. Just make sure that the guy is TRULY gay, and not just pretending to be gay because he was too shy to make a move on you so you came to the wrong assumption ten years ago. Otherwise, fake gay guy might come in-between you and your true love. Also look out for the poltergeist of your soul mate's dead fiancé **(2)**.

**Mr. Right is always the same man for every woman, just with different names.** The only man for every woman is soulful, thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, and generally an artist of some type, whether it is through music or boat-selling **(3)**. There's no room for deviations from these qualities, otherwise they're still just trying to get into your pants. Also look out for men whose employees bad-mouth behind his back; he's probably a real jerk, thus proving that mothers don't always know everything **(4)**. It almost makes me sympathetic towards men, having to fill all of these standards without any other option. But then I think about their standards for us, big-breasted blondes who just want to have a little fun, and I change my mind **(5)**.

**High school is the best time of your life.** What idiot decided this?!? High school sucks; between the bimbo cheerleaders and emotionally-disturbed Goths, no one can truly figure out who they are. Plus, I swear, none of the characters ever seem to need to do homework, and yet they still have straight-A's. And everyone seems to be constantly having sex. It seems as though the only way to get a boyfriend is to put out, which totally undermines the main theme of all chick flicks, as seen in point #1. The thong bit was pretty funny, though **(6)**.

**42.** This isn't from a chick flick, hence me not mentioning it before, but I feel that since it _is_ the answer to life, the universe, and everything, it probably deserved to be included **(7)**.

I don't want to be the girl whose only purpose in life is to find the man that fits the stereotype of these movies. I don't want to feel bad about myself just because I can't find a guy interested in me. I don't want to be dependant on a man who'll end-up dumping me for a _Penthouse_ magazine and a couple of beers. Most importantly, I don't want to have the cookie-cutter relationship with a man of pseudo-depth.

I want someone who understands and cares, not a cardboard cut-out of the perfect man to drool over. Everyone has flaws; you can't just wait around in your tower for the man you think you want; you'll either never find him, or he'll end-up being a total jackass hiding his true personality.

#-#-#-#-#

All this contemplating over the perfect man has led me to one thought: I need a cardboard cut-out of Kenshin. He's so dreamy.

I wonder if I could convince Naruto to dye his hair red…

#-#-#-#-#

"_You want to go on a date with Naruto Uzumaki_."

"No, I don't," Temari rolled her eyes and looked across the table at me from the inner depths of Calculus II. Makes you shiver to think about. Ugh, Math.

"_You find him dead-sexy_," I said while caressing the side of my forehead with my index and middle fingers.

Before school always seems to be the best time for verbal assault in the form of Jedi mind tricks. Hit them while their minds can still only contemplate subjects as difficult as potato salad; they're sure to agree if only to get you to stop bothering them.

You know, they tell us in school that the human brain is the consistency of Jell-o, but I don't buy it. For one thing, Jell-o is transparent, while the human brain is supposed to be a gray-type, opaque substance. Then there's that melting thing Jell-o does in warm weather; our bodies are constantly above 90-degrees Fahrenheit! If brains were like Jell-o, wouldn't they have melted out of our ears by now?

…Oh dear, what if that's what ear wax is?

"Jedi mind tricks don't work outside of Hollywood, Ino," Temari answered, this time without even looking up.

And another thing, ear wax tastes nothing like Jell-o. Furthermore, it doesn't even feel like Jell-o; it feels like slightly melted candle wax!

"_You want to go eat Puerto Rican food with him_." I think the brain has a consistency closer to that of flan. It's more similar to the consistency of Jell-o than pudding, but it's a solid color, and tastes much more delicious. Mmmmm, flan.

"Is this the flan thing again? It's the consistency, not the bright green coloring, they're talking about."

"But flan tastes better and isn't made from dead horses!"

"So are you going to stop using glue now, too?"

"… Touché," I said grudgingly, "Alright Temari, you've won this war, but don't think that assures you'll win the battle." At this I dramatically made my exit. All actors must know the art of storming off, it's in our blood.

…Of course, afterwards, I was forced to return and rephrase that she'd won the _battle_ but not the _war_, much to her childish amusement. But AFTER THAT I dramatically exited **again**!

…During which I tripped over a freshman, who then took it as a pick-up line and tried to cop a feel. Men.

Maybe chick flicks do have some good advice, what with the "men only want to get into your pants (or, in this case, bra)" bit….

#-#-#-#-#

"InoInoINO! Guess what, guess what, GUESS WHAT?!?!?" the shrill voice of my exasperating crush yelled down the hallway.

Why, dear Lord, why? Why must you make me attracted to such a doofus? I've always considered myself a pretty religious person, but now… Damn it all to Hell.

I sighed and asked, "What?" I blame You, and pheromones, and the color orange, and the way he chews on his pens so nonchalantly, and-

"I asked Sakura out this morning," he exclaimed, "And-."

Oh bloody Hell, please don't be what I think it is.

"SHE SAID YES! We're going out on Saturday!"

"Th-, that's great Naruto, I'm glad she finally said yes," I pushed out. Oh dear Lord, when I asked you why, I didn't mean that you should eradicate my chances of ever dating him. Is this my divine punishment for not believing in You for two minutes? Because, to be honest, I really think you should be spending more time punishing the atheists, who _never_ believed in You, don't you think?

"Do you think she likes Puerto Rican food? I could really go for some flan right now." Okay, okay, I'll go to church every Sunday. No, five days a week. I'll even pray during lunch and go vegetarian during Lent!

"I think wherever you pick is fine, Naruto," I testily answered.

All I have to say is: Screw you, 42!

#-#-#-#-#

He asked me to go see a movie with him one day, and I answered yes. I don't know why I did it, I just know that I never wanted that feeling of being noticed to dissipate. I know it was selfish of me, but I felt so alive around him, I couldn't help it.

#-#-#-#-#

**Movies I referenced:**

**Monster-In-Law**

**Over Her Dead Body**

**Failure to Launch**

**Because I Said So**

**Must Love Dogs****, if you squint and tilt your head to the side**

**Every teeny-bopper romance ever created. When writing this, though, I had ****John Tucker Must Die**** in mind.**

**The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy****. Note: I was thinking about the book, NOT the movie.**

**This Chapter is dedicated to soupcan's two uber amazing acts of courage:**

**Kamikaze Lemons, because everyone loves explosive nudity. ^-^**

**I know it in my gut that those forensics nerds are secretly head-banging to Punk! Forget what they claimed!**

**Rant over. See you guys in a few weeks.**

**-Crick**

**PS: I did manage to post around soupcan's birthday! XP**

**PPS: Since I received a grand total of one review via ff for last chap, I'm going to shoot the moon and trouble you readers for two reviews. Yup, I dream big.**


	9. The Horrible Life of a Chocoholic

**Disclaimer: It's not mine. If it were, *cough, cough,* the show wouldn't be innocent enough to be on The Disney Channel. But really, who wants to be on the Disney Channel anyways? Those shows give you cavities…**

**A/N: I realize it's been a while, but as previously mentioned, I've stopped watching or reading Naruto. I've also had little to no free time this year. **

**Alright, I'll stop trying to justify my laziness now. There's a bit more foul language in this chapter, because I've decided to channel my inner pirate. I think it has to do with my increased amount of horizontal stripes, and the media has brainwashed me into believing all pirates wore striped shirts, just like all ninjas wearing orange jumpsuits…**

Chapter 9: Dr. Horrible

"I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!"

"M-hmm, that's nice, Ino," Temari sympathized while turning the page in her Chemistry textbook. When gray and sear our hair hath turned, we will still probably be reminiscing about those wonderful, food-deprived lunches spent cramming in the library.

I slammed my head against the wooden table. "She's pure evil! She's- she's…"

"Pernicious?"

"Huh?"

"Vocab word. Means to cause insidious harm or ruin. Continue."

"Right," I said, searching for my de-railed train of thought. "She's…, the Captain Hammer to my Doctor Horrible!"

"Who?" Temari asked absently.

"Sakura, of course."

"No, I meant the horrible thingy."

"You know, Captain Hammer, Professional Tool? Steals Dr. Horrible's crush and then flaunts it in his face?" I asked desperately.

Temari shook her head, in the meantime scribbling something onto her periodic table.

"Neil Patrick Harris would be ashamed of you!" I admonished.

"He's gay, you know."

"… Oh shut up and balance your equations."

#=#=#=#=#

It's been a few days and already I feel hollow. How could she do this to me? She's my best…what are we, anyway? I could call her my best friend, but that was in second grade, and she's gotten a great deal bitchier since then, this being the perfect example. She _is_ one of two female friends that I actually talk to on a regular basis, though. So is she my best-female-friend-of-convenience-when-I-can-stand-her-and-when-she-deems-it-socially-acceptable-to-pretend-as-though-she-cares? That used to be an accurate description, but not anymore. Now she's just that-bitchy-girl-whom-I'll-cheat-off-of-in-Math-not-because-I-don't-understand-the-material-but-because-she's-a-bitch. That'll teach her.

Why would she even want to date him? She likes them pretty and emo, while Naruto is not pretty, nor is he emo. He's handsome, but in a rugged, hiker way.

He doesn't even try to hide the fact that he rides bitch seat on her pinky finger. She takes away his manhood and he gladly lets her to be patted on the head afterwards.

She's like nail polish remover: nasty, pink, and corrosive, yet every girl needs her.

Eff my life.

#=#=#=#=#

"Oi, bushy brows!" I yelled. This was perfect, I found her after school in a deserted hall.

"What's up, Ino-pig?" she replied obnoxiously. Urgh, I hate her and her radioactive hair! Why can't she just go cliff-diving without the water?

"Why'd you get Naruto's hopes up like that? You know this'll only end in heartbreak, right?" I asked, attempting to hide my anger, but it was no good. She could always see right through me anyway.

Sakura's light-hearted smile changed into a pensive frown. "Ino, why would you think I'm stringing him along?"

"You've never even been able to stand being near him for a prolonged period, and now you want me to believe you've magically realized you've fallen for his childish charm?" I started calm, but tears started welling in my eyes from anger. "You'll never appreciate him the way I do!" I argued desperately.

"Oh Ino," Sakura sighed, "It isn't like that at all. We've always bickered, yes, but I've never hated him; he's always been a dear friend. Why didn't you tell me you were interested in him?" Her patronizing tone was killing me; I felt like such a fool.

"I-I don't know, maybe because we haven't been close since second grade? Maybe because I'd assumed your loathing of Naruto would be eternal? Does it matter? You always try to steal the guys I like!" I realized I was being irrational, but who the hell cared anyway?

"Listen Ino, I'm sorry you feel this way, but Naruto likes me and I like him, that's just the way it is," Sakura stated, signaling the end of the conversation by promptly walking away.

It was after she left I broke down and cried. I guess I'd never imagined Sakura might feel the same way I did about Naruto. I bet they'd be great together, too. He'd inspire her to reach for the stars and she'd bring him back down to earth when he became too unrealistic. Why do I deserve to be the one to have my heart broken? I might not be the right girl for him, but he's the right guy for me. Just call me Helena without a Puck to help her.

#=#=#=#=#

We dated in secret for weeks without finding out. He was always quiet, but so was I, so it worked out fine. I don't know how, but we seemed to agree to things without ever vocalizing them. He would drive me to a restaurant, but I had to give my nod of approval before we would walk in. We also had our little ways of showing affection. We would be watching a movie and he'd reach out to touch my hand. I still believe it's to assure himself I'm still beside him. We've both experienced loss, it was nice to find solace in each other.

It was when Sakura caught us that everything started unraveling.

#=#=#=#=#

**I actually started crying halfway through writing this chapter. Guess I really entered Ino's mindset, neh? I've never had this happen to me, but heartbreak is a universal feeling, hopefully I've conveyed the emotions well enough…**

**Reviews are nice, but I realize it's been forever since I updated. It's understandable if you want to freeze me out from feedback, even though it helps me grow as a writer.**

**-Crick**


End file.
